Life Beginning at Gender
Many of you, who have read my other blogs, are familiar with many of my personal struggles that I have dealt with throughout my life. It is been said by many that without emotional pain, one does not learn. How true that is! We, humans, make our lives so difficult at times, all because we are worried about how others are going to perceive us.
From My Perspective
Everywhere I go, I see so many people who appear to be sad roaming around in search of something. Some are trying to fit in, so much so, that it squeezes the very life out of them. It reminds me of a time back when I used to go to high school when everyone trying to act cool, be the popular one, dressing to impress, and seeking approval from their peers. I used to ask myself why have we become a society, that has become so insecure and needy, that we must throw out all of our own personal truth for falsehoods?
Over the years, I have had many people come to me for spiritual guidance. It always seems to be asking me to help them find themselves because they feel lost and stuck. It’s a funny thing to understand that all people are looking for the same basic needs and watching many stop themselves from ever able to find those needs. To be honest, it’s really no big surprise, when you stop and observe what we do why so many feel lost or miserable! The truth is, we create it. We create these limitations by holding onto false and limiting beliefs, aka “falsehoods”, without ever trying to figure out what we think and feel. When we live in ideas that are false, our lives become chaos and our spirit lets us know!
The Boundaries of Gender
Being a person of a Gendered life, Non-Binary and GenderFluid, the truth was a very deep struggle for me. As a little child, I remembered that all I could think about how I felt different inside and, often at times, why my body never looked the way my spirit felt inside. At times I felt like a male, at other times I felt female and other times I felt as if I was either a combination of the two or neither.
Being too afraid to ask my parents or sister, I turned to my guides. When I would inquire about it, they would always seem to respond with “You are exactly the way you need to be!” Well as a child, I could never for the life of me understand what they meant. I would get upset! Like all children, I wanted an answer to my question. I had no clue what they were talking about. It was tough for me growing up dealing with the many feelings that I couldn’t understand.
The Kiss That Would Change My Life
One day, while in catholic school at recess, I decided to kiss one of my best friends at the time, who was a boy. I didn’t think anything was wrong with it. We were friends and I liked him and I wanted to show him that I cared. Well as you can imagine when the nuns saw this that this did not go over well for me! lol. The Nuns were angry and very upset. Their facial expression was so intense you would have thought I had shot someone. I was brought into the gym area, where I was scolded by four of them, telling me that God’s going to punish me, the devil inside of me, boys only kiss girls and that’s the way God made it.
To be honest, I didn’t think I did anything wrong. All I knew is that he was my best friend and I cared for him so I gave him a kiss. The gender boundaries weren’t formed by that age yet. About fifteen minutes later my mom came into school to pick me up. The nuns immediately called her in the office to let her know the horrid act I had just committed! If we think about it, I was so young and in first grade. What crimes do first graders truly commit? It was sad that an innocent kiss to someone I cared for turned into this mess. I couldn’t understand why the adults were yelling at me for something I wasn’t aware of. I honestly don’t remember my mom’s expression when she came out of the principal’s office, I just knew that I did something wrong and I was in hot water.
The car ride was extremely quiet. When we got home, my mom told me to go to my room and wait for my dad to come home. I was so scared that my dad was on his way home. I knew I was going to get it with the belt or whatever else he could find. As I sat in my room waiting for my dad to come punish me, Loyrie, my number one guide, was there to guide and comfort me. In my head, I heard Loyrie say “Don’t be afraid, you did nothing wrong” and tried to make me feel as if I did nothing wrong. It sure didn’t feel like I did anything wrong. I felt awful. It was very scary. I showed my friend that I cared about him and now I was being punished for it.
My dad came home, and within a few minutes, he called me with his very deep angry voice “Raina, get in here, NOW!” He yelled at me about how boys aren’t supposed to kiss boys, only girls. It’s wrong what I did and he never wants to hear about this again. He had a knack for slamming his hand on the table during certain statements to make a point and did so in his usual fashion. It was the first time in my life I questioned my gender…
Hiding The Truth
From that point on, I decided to never act how I felt inside. To me, I was doing nothing more than showing a friend love and care for their friendship. To the adults around me, I unleashed demons on earth!
I learned to develop the very first falsehood that would haunt me for the first 30 years of my life. Since I was told to believe that what I did was wrong and shameful, when those feelings of wanting to express how I felt, especially when I liked someone, I made sure I shut it down. From that moment on, I watched my dad, my guy friends, and every male adult, and modeled after the way they acted.
The unfortunate part about this situation was that it made me feel lost & disconnected inside. I enjoyed the company of my male friends, but much of the games we played were not something that I enjoyed. Boys play rough and that wasn’t me at that time. Because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents or anyone else, I did what I had to do to fit in. I learned a lot about the judgments of others through this experience. I learned that, in their eyes, it was wrong for me to be myself. The sad part is that I felt my spirit dampen and dim, every day. Because I felt smothered by these rules, I started to act out in school and my grades dropped. To the nuns, I became a bad kid, the devil child as they called me, but to myself, I knew the first hardships of life pain.
Doing What Was Expected
The area that I grew up in was tough. It had gangs, drugs, and the hardships of the Chicago attitude. My childhood friends were already mixing with older gang members and getting into trouble. As for me, I did what any Chicago kid would do when you’re around people that want to beat you up, I acted like them so I wouldn’t become their target.
Every day my brain was being conditioned to live a life of falsehood. During my high school years, I was on the swim team, football team, water polo, and track team. Baseball was another sport I did as well. Luckily for me, I enjoyed every sport except football. Football was my dad’s idea, like most fathers. It was “what men do!” he always said and so I did what men did! It’s exhausting living a life for someone else and not yourself. Even at this very moment, I watch so many people do this, to not be aware of it, and wonder why they are so unhappy.
When Chaos Becomes Destruction
I kept my appearance up at all times. I dated girls in public and had a few private dates with guys behind the scenes. By this time, I had created so many falsehoods that I became emotionally sick. I started to shut down and turned to drugs to dull the pain. My life started to spin out of control so much, that I literally slept and partied my entire junior year of high school. I failed everything that year… I went from having good grades to being on drugs and complete F’s. My school life became so bad that I literally graduated high school in 3 years; freshmen, sophomore & senior years were the only years I got credit for.
I went from being a swimming star to utter disappointment in my teacher’s and peer’s faces. At that age, what was I supposed to do? No matter how many times I asked Loyrie and my other guides what was going on with my life they just kept telling me to be myself! How I asked. How am I to be myself when I knew it went against everything my parents and society agreed upon! I didn’t anything about the LGTBQ community, let alone the word transgender, Non-binary or Genderfluid. In my eyes, I was the only one like me. The unicorn in a herd of horses. Was I the only one of my kind? Or was there anyone else like me out there? This was my very first time wanting to commit suicide.
It’s Time to Shift Gears
I had just graduated high school and was in the third year of a three-year relationship. Of the few relationships, I was lucky enough to have, it was probably the best relationship I was ever in. She was my best friend, the person I loved and even one I thought about marrying. It was with deep sadness, I knew that the relationship I had with her couldn’t last. There was a strong feeling inside me, along with the constant support of my guides, that kept pushing me into a direction of wanting the switch my gender.
I knew nothing of Sexual Reassignment Surgery, transgender people, or LGBTQ people. Yet my inner self already had a full plan mapped out and ready to go. It was something I knew instinctively. It was an inner knowing of what I was going to do from birth, I just didn’t know how it was to come about.
The First One to Know
The first person I opened up to was my current girlfriend. She had a look of shock and confusion written all over her face. I knew didn’t she believed me at first because she wanted me to show her all the female clothes I would dress up in. I nervously opened the draw and showed her the clothes. To my surprise, she asked me to dress up for her. It was odd and I couldn’t understand why but I did anyway. I think, for her, the reality of the situation needed to set in. So I went in the closet, dressed up, and came out. Tears began to fill both of our eyes and we just sat there together and cried. We had both realized that our relationship was over.
Although we ended our relationship, we still decided to remain close, even until this very day. I was extremely lucky to have her in my life. She supported me and pushed me to be who I was. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was fo her, but she was so strong, and her support helped me transition. If she ever reads this blog, I want her to know that she was one of the main reasons why I am the way I am today! I still cannot show her enough how much her being there for me meant to me!
In my college years is when I decided to go full-on. I was 100% out. During that time, my relationship with my father grew strained. We had fought with my dad many times and never could find common ground. I had lost all but three friends and found myself searching for answers. The outside world was mean to me. I was stared at all the time, laughed at, and males always wanted to pick fights with me. The world that I once struggled in, now became a battleground. People were mean and unforgiving. I had now seen the true reality of human acceptance.
The first 12 years of my new life were hell. If I had any confidence within myself, it was now shattered and destroyed by the judgments of others. The hardest part about this was it wasn’t just from straight people! It was from the Gay & Lesbian community as well! I was shocked to find out, at that time, that the LGBTQ community was just as cruel as the straight community! There was nowhere to turn to, I was felt lost.
I found myself yelling at my guides asking them “why am I being punished? What did I do that was so bad that people treat me like I’m a thing?” To be truthful, I had made that statement so many times of the years that even I was tired of hearing it.
Loyrie would always tell me that I wasn’t being punished and that this was the ultimate blessing, that I am living truth. For the past fourteen years, I couldn’t figure out, or even understand, what she meant. How could something that causes so much pain be the ultimate blessing? How can something that causes so much pain be living in truth?
The Hardships of Truth
For many years I hid in shame of who I was. Many men, and by women as well, I was called Faggot, It, the dude in a dress, and many more mean things you can think to say. People always cut me out of their life when they found out about me. Because of this, I learned to hide and protect who I was by creating lies and stories to cover my tracks. I grew so cold and emotionally shut off because I feared the world around me! I had already gone through with the surgery many years ago, so there was definitely no going back. Despite all of this and no matter how much pain I was in, I still wanted to be me.
For many years I was embarrassed to go outside, to go to bars/clubs, join a sport, or be in any public setting. It was very difficult but I’m a very resilient person. No matter what I face in life, I still do it. There have been many times where I came back with tears in my eyes, but I still pushed myself out into the world. A world in which I once bent over backward and sacrificed everything to help now rejects me.
I tried so hard to realize the lesson or what my life was all about. Not one support group ever gave me the answers I was seeking. I felt I couldn’t turn to anyone else in the gender community because they seemed worse off than me. Most of the time I usually ended up helping them through their pain and questions while having my own questions left in the dark.
I never received answers or help from the outside world except for a couple of people, including my parents, and yes, my dad did finally come around after many years and I love him for that.
There were a few times that I had tried to commit suicide, often feeling weak, insecure, and scared. Many nights I would lie in my bed, crying myself to sleep asking “why? What did I do?” Loyrie, my grandparents, and my cats would sit on my bed and comfort me until I fell asleep.
To Find My Strength
Regardless of how people treated me, I always put a smile on my face, put on my “big girl” undies, and pushed myself into the world. It wasn’t until a little while ago when my life began to piece back together. I started to feel my internal strength, my will to live and the eccentric “This is my life” attitude come back. My life was coming back to me. My self-confidence and the need to help people were percolating within.
A Simple Conversation
I remember this one day when I ran into someone of the gender community. She was transgender and upset about her life. She began questioning if she wanted to go through the transition. I asked her to sit down with me and started talking to her.
As I spoke to her, I felt this large amount of energy coming from up from behind me and pushing its way through. As she uttered the words “I feel like my life is a punishment”, this burst of energy punched through my chest and I started speaking. I told her, “No my dear, you’re life isn’t a punishment, it is the ultimate blessing. You see hun, people in gender situations are here to teach the world about being your true self! Life isn’t about gender or our physical bodies. It is about being truthful about who we are! People of the gender community are those who are trying to figure out the idea of bringing the masculine and feminine into unity through duality.”
I continued to let her know that whether you are Female to Male or Male to female, Transgender people are learning to embody the unification of the feminine and masculine. In truth, the spirit is actually genderless. We are spherical bodiless beings that are in perfect balance of both energies. As a matter of fact, those who choose to live as who they are, live to the Highest truth there is!
She nodded as if she was trying to take it all in and with a weepy voice she asked me “then why do so many people put us down?” I replied “Simple, it is because deep down they realize that you are living in truth and they are not. Although, they are mean, they want to have your strength.”
A Important Lesson
It’s an important lesson for many to learn that those that are mean to others envy them. People subconsciously know they have conformed to society and have given up their own will. That is why they try so hard to make you feel and act as they do. For you see people who are at peace within themselves live and let live.
People become so conditioned by society, religion, and cultural differences that they lose the very essence of who they are and truth. It is in their limited perception of life that people turn to make fun of others, especially people who dare to be different! The spirit always knows our truth. You cannot run from or hide from the truth, as it is apart of your consciousness. Until we learn that the harder we try to be something we’re not, we will ALWAYS find chaos in our life! As I have mentioned many times, “If you act a life of falsehoods then you will live a life of falsehoods”.
It is human nature of the young soul to hate what they cannot be. Resentment of anyone, especially those in the gender community, for being strong enough to live their life the way, is something the young soul faces. They are begrudging of those that live their life regardless of the challenges they face.
Realizations of Self
To tie this back in with the conversation I was having with the woman after our chat came to its conclusion, it hit me like a ton of bricks! It dawned on me that I had spoken truth through my consciousness. Finally, I had gotten the answers I had been searching for so many years. I was so engaged in my own emotions that I never stopped to listen for the answer.
It was being in my element, being in truth, and being selfless, got me out of my own stubborn way! I remembered a feeling of completeness at that moment. Like my life had finally come full circle. I even got an “atta girl” from my guides and family members that night!
To Reflect Back
At one point, I felt like I made the wrong decision in switching genders. I was under my own delusions that made me think that the unification between my mind and body was a mistake because of the way people treated me. Looking back on it now, I can look at these Shadows and say “yes I was scared, I felt worthless, I felt ashamed of who I was and I even felt expendable to people. Now I am strong, confident and love being who I am.
A Quick Message
To all the Gender community out there, and to anyone who dresses, acts, and looks different than the norms of society I say this. Please don’t ever give up, don’t ever quit being who you are!
PEOPLE OF GENDER COMMUNITY ARE FOLK THAT IS TEACHING THE GREATEST LESSON TO ALL THE WORLD RIGHT NOW! WE ARE TEACHING THE WORLD HOW TO LIVE IN TRUTH. HOW TO LIVE UNDER NO ONE’s EXPECTATIONS BUT OUR OWN! WE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE LEARNING TO UNIFY THE MASCULINE AND FEMININE. YOU HAVE COME TO SHOW THE WHAT THE HUMAN SPIRIT IS ALL ABOUT!
When you realize that gender is only for biological and reproductive reasons, and it doesn’t make you who you are, you begin to realize that being yourself and living the way you want makes you who you are.
Why can I put myself out there and not feel shame when others do? Because I’m Miss Raina! I have earned my stripes and I wear them proud!
In Mission and Purpose,
©Copyright 2013 IAMevolution. All Rights Reserved.
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