The Measurement of Self
The depths of who I am can be measured in many different ways. I have had many pleasures, and the heartaches, that have molded me into the person I have become today. I am strong, yet weak. Secure and insecure. Happy and sad. Full of life and full of pain. The internal struggle rages deep within like two people tugging on a rope for command of my being, The Spiritual side of me is strong and secure, happy and full of life, unshakable, and unstoppable. The Human side feels weak and insecure, sad and full of pain, and easily breakable.
There are many days of my life that are a complete struggle for me. Many sleepless nights consumed by my thoughts of sorrow, depression, and insecurities. Like a sinking ship without a life preserver, I find myself constantly grasping for safety and security to reassure me that my life has not spent wasted. My inner voice screaming for help, but to only fall upon deaf ears. There’s pressure on my chest that is heavy, like a rock crushing my ribs and heart, it hurts so bad that I want to cry. So much pain from my life and the world that no one could understand.
I often try to remember the happiness in my life during this time, but during these moments the dark side wins. I feel as I’m alone in the world. The judgment of my character is constant and still, I try to stand tall. No matter what people say, words cut like knives. Slicing the heart without a bit of compassion. I am a loner in life, in my emotion, and in thought. No matter where my travels take me, two energies follow me around, one of pure love and one of the chaos.
As the Darkness Begins
I do what I can to silence the darkness. It becomes a complete shutdown of self. I close the shades so no light can come in and cut all communications from my friends and family. Sometimes I just lay in bed all day. My cats come to love me and I push them away as if they were to bring me pain.
This is my dark den, my hole, my cocoon. I dwell on past pain that haunts me. I’ve helped so many people in my life and yet they reject me, they hate and shun me! You’re not good enough to be a person and people are always going to shut the door on you. How could I ever feel differently, when people get to know me, they stop talking to me? The friendship is going fine for months, then out of nowhere people just cut it off. No explanation, just done! I feel as if I have a contagious disease. Don’t get too close to me, you might catch my personality!!! So why should I bother?? I’m only a speck in the great universe.. obviously, the ocean wouldn’t dry out if one small drop of water disappeared.
When You’re Unimportant
I’ve lost touch with the world. I am unable to interact with it anymore. I’m tired of being rejected. I’m tired of hearing “oh we’ll be your friend” and never hearing from them again. Calling or texting people like a dummy as if they were my friends until the brick wall hits me “hello! they don’t want to talk to you or they would have answered you back!”. It’s a great feeling to feel like a contagious disease.
People have gone to great lengths to ditch me out too. One of the hardest ditch-out’s I remember is of a girl who was close. She asked me to move with her from Connecticut to Florida and get a place together. I went and got the place in Florida, moved down before her, and then I never heard from her again. A simple “no, I don’t want to be your friend” would have been better.
Life has made a side of me hard, argumentative, and forceful with my ways. I have to push the world so it no longer pushes me. If I don’t push, then no one will notice me. Does the world realize the sacrifices I have made for it?? Of course not, because I’m not there! If I was stranded on an island by myself, I would have the same love and friendships as I do now.
As the Insecurities Grow
The deepest insecurity that I have is that of love. I ask myself will I ever find love besides my parents? Will I find friends that will love me the way I do them? Will, the world ever love me? Love has eluded me at every corner and has become a constant search within myself, always searching for constant approval of people’s love.
SOMEBODY NOTICE ME!! SOMEBODY LOVE ME!! CAN ANYONE SEE ME?? Am I a ghost to people? Transparent to the human eye, where people walk right through me, I must be cellophane. I cry, sometimes so hard, that I can’t breathe. The pain I feel is the only thing that reminds me that I’m alive!
I’m eccentric and over the top at times, I always have. Even when I was a child. My subconscious wants attention. Good or disastrous attention; attention is attention! Is it so bad to want to be loved or have people care about you?? If I died today, it would be weeks before someone would even notice.
Substance to Friendship
Partying seems to be my only true friend. No matter what I’m going through, it’s there for me. It numbs my pain and never turns its back on me. It’s the shoulder I need at that moment to cry on. Partying is reliable and always there when life is too much. It never has disappointed me, left me, or abandoned me for anything! I laugh and enjoy the world again during my darkness. It makes me forget that I’m alone in the world. It appreciates the things I do and the sacrifices I have made. It’s the “feel so good” hug I long for. My heart no longer aches and the tears no longer flow. All seemed right in the world. I am important to it and it is to me.
Oh What a Feeling
Believe it or not, helping people is the only thing that gives me happiness. It makes me feel like I’m important. Like I have a place in this world. Besides my parents, it’s one of the only things that keeps me wanting to live. Seeing someone blossom into their life and knowing that I had something to do with it, ohhhh man, what a great feeling!
It’s at that moment that I feel loved. I feel like someone cares. It makes me feel like I am an important brick in the wall. I get the desperate need for love and affection that I seek from a stranger. Inside I scream “I did it! look at me!! I did something important! I did it!”.
Years ago I was reading a biography on Janis Joplin and as I read I felt like I was reading a story about myself. Minus the music, fame, and a few other things, I really connected to her. I thought “Hey, this is almost my life”. I completely related to her story and what she went through. Janis once said that “When I’m on stage, I make love to 10,000 people at once, but when I got home, I go home alone.” That is the same with me when helping people. At that moment it’s love, but then I always go home alone. Her story still resonates with me until this very day.
To Endure is To Suffer
My gift to the world is to endure its pain and its suffering. I’m filled with the knowledge of the universe and the ability to absorb what others cannot. Sometimes it’s too much for me! It pushes me to the edge and breaks me down. Killing me so very slowly and bringing me to the mercy of its feet.
I give people their life back at the cost of mine as it seems. The human side of me cries and screams like a child “it’s not fair!!” When the darkness is in I become resentful. Despising the world and its existence. Thinking no one cares. No one thinks for themselves and has become too pigheaded to change. People have lost respect for one another as we value money and material possessions. If no one is willing to change their ways, then what I do is completely pointless. I had a lot to learn!
Our Darkness is our Teacher
It’s amazing to me how my human side can be so fragile. The thoughts of hopelessness, despair, and the fears that race across my mind is heartbreaking at times. I often wonder where these thoughts and feelings come from. If they are mine or the world around me. Am I a constant filter for the world during a tough period of change?
Even when I’m deeply depressed, I put the happy clown mask on, force myself into the world and try to push others into understanding. In my heart, I know what I do for others is helping, even if I don’t believe it myself at that moment. The truth is, I don’t like people seeing the human side of me. I don’t know why. Maybe I think that if people found out the fragile side of me that they would run even faster. After all, who likes a Debbie Downer? This side of me is something nobody knows of me, not even my parents. I don’t want to hurt or worry them. It’s bad enough one of us has to go through this, I would never want them to accompany me during this.
Time Will Tell
I will never know if one day the darkness will ever overpower my consciousness. If it does, what will be the end result? Will I end up a statistic? A short story in a paper that sums up my life? Maybe I’ll find the love and happiness I am looking for. Finally, the war would be over and peace will reign. A permanent smile across my face forever and I would cry only tears of joy. The ability to breathe again, to enjoy the moment, and to not feel lonely ever again.
In Mission and Purpose,
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