The Fall Into Emotional Chaos
About a year ago I was told of a story, a story or the legend, of the Perakee. This Legend was handed down from one generation to another and only fell on the ears of those deserving. I had read all the stories of the Perakee in hopes to try to make sense of some of the chaos that ensued in my life on a constant basis. For most of my life, I struggled, as do most Simians/Perakees, to try to find inner peace within. For many years I seemed to have found peace and solace in the teachings and craft of paganism and witchcraft. I felt I was no longer judged by a God, the religion, or from the people of that religion. I was free to walk a life without the fear of falling to the left or right… The teachings of Paganism and Witchcraft are simple, Do as Ye will and Harm none! The only real law or rule that it had. I took to magick and paganism like a glove to a hand. It was a perfect fit for me! During my years of training, I had quite a few high priestesses & priests that had made comments to me on the strength of my energy and the ability to create whatever I put my will towards. I had been told, for some reason, over and over about how people with great energy and power must always use their gifts for Love, Light, Peace, and Trust. Did they know something I did not? The stories of the Legend of the Perakee are not too much different in their teachings of the struggles of people gifted with greater energy and power than the teachings of pagans and witches who yield their own power. It’s probably why I have found both teachings so comfortable and relatable.
Along time ago, when I was around 23, about 6 years after I came into Paganism, I had a very talented High Priestess of a coven sit down with me and graciously share some of her wisdom with me. Towards the end of the conversation, she grabbed onto my hands to say a friendly goodbye, when a look of surprise came upon her face. The look on her face startled me and stopped me from being able to say anything. I grew a bit nervous and became a little insecure at that moment. Just then she said “You have been blessed with great gifts. Your energy is strong and you have a great talent to heal others. However, there is something else inside you. It’s a dark spot of confusion and pain. This dark spot can become chaotic quickly and if you let it get out of control it could destroy the very essence of who you are.” At that moment, filled with so many emotions, I remember just wanting to cry. I always understood that there was something inside me that I fought daily to keep at bay, but to have someone who hardly knew me make such a bold statement, rattled my very core! I wanted her to explain herself so I asked her “do you think I’m a bad person or evil deep down?” She replied with “Of course not! But you do not understand the energy within you. Without that knowledge of understanding, all energy or gifts can be used for either good or bad intentions. Oh my dear, you have struggled for acceptance from others, and will you continue to struggle through many parts of your life. Many people will misunderstand who you are and judge you before they get to know you. However, if you allow the bad situations to affect you, you can become consumed within that energy and it can become very dark. I didn’t say much more after that, all I could think about is how she sounded exactly like my guides. Did they all know something I didn’t? Were they hinting to me about something in the future that was to become me??
If you have read my other blogs then you already know that throughout my life, I have made it my life to help others and heal. I worked diligently to always keep the aggressive energies and so-called “dark spot” at bay and took an oath to my Witchcraft to always work in Love, Light, Peace, and Trust. I had a superiorly dominant personality, a will that once was set forth, it was unbreakable and a heart filled with love and compassion. On the flip side, I had a temper that was so explosive that my parents worried for me. If I was angered or pushed too far, I hurt someone before realizing what had happened. For the most part, I had been successful at keeping my emotions in check. There had been a few times in my life that situations took me into the dark shadows. Fortunately, I was always able to bounce back out a stronger person. Lately, there has seemed to be a relentless assault of chaotic issues that have overtaken my life. It has made me cold, heartless, relentless, and mean.
I felt the darkness creep inside me slowly. Like the moon does in a solar eclipse, I found the light within diminishing with each passing day. Fueled by major betrayals, from those I call friends and the disgust of the lies of the world around me. As I look around this world, a world I used to love and have hope for, I find very little sympathy for it anymore. I was the type of person that was raised with honor, respect, loyalty, and honesty. I was taught by my parents and my spirit guides to always shower humanity with love and kindness. Love and Kindness, I no longer understand the definition of those words. Besides, why should I shower a world with love as I used to when people don’t deserve it anymore? People are nothing more than lies and insecurity! Even the kindest of people lie and backstab people. The manipulations and the deceitfulness that has found my way from those I’ve called friend, family, brothers & sisters, darken my heart, and the anger within grows. The fire & passion that once burned within my heart is gone. Smothered out by the heartlessness and selfishness of humanity. I have given so much to this world and its people over the years, asking for nothing in return but honesty, loyalty, and friendship. Nothing has ever been returned. Yet I still keep placing unexpected hope into these people. The snake has bitten me one too many times and its venom now courses through my veins.
I have never hated anything as much as I do. The loss for divinity died when my pleads were ignored. When I need you, you turned a cold shoulder to me. Yet I have done everything you asked of me. I helped every soul that you put in my path. I have loved, turned the other cheek and I have sacrificed my personal happiness for the good of humanity. You owe me, you bastards! You took away everything I had ever loved or dreamed of. You never really gave me a chance did you? From day one, you put me when biological parents filled my body with drugs and alcohol. When I was born, they ignored me like I didn’t exist. Untouched, never held, never loved. Yet, if it wasn’t for the kindness of those two I call parents now, I would be dead. I was raised in gangs, where my family was of people who protected you if you wore the right colors. I had watched people beat on each other and die for no reason other than what side of the street they were born on. My friends died and went to jail for senseless acts. My parents moved us out of the city for a better life to a nicer neighborhood where life was supposed to make sense. But that didn’t work, did it? Instead, I had neighbors that were just as corrupt and mean as those I had called enemies in the city. The relentless fights and being bullied. Oh, how many times did I have groups of people kick the shit out of me?? What did I ever do to them? I was always nice to every one of them. Because my dad was Mexican and my sister was overweight, I had to suffer the rather of ignorance and intolerance?? Every day I prayed to you and my prayers were always fell on deaf ears.
My inner thought tormented me for many years of my own sexuality… Was this a trick or a joke? I was born a boy and I was a girl on the inside! I was supposed to be tough, a fighter, dominant at swimming and baseball, take over the family business, and carry on the family name. My life was pre-set already by you and my family. I was supposed to be a man! But all I really wanted was to be like some of my best friends. To have long hair, to be feminine, to be able to like pretty things, and to have the freedoms as my girlfriends did. I wanted to be silly and play silly games, but I couldn’t because you made me wrong! Do you remember for over 20 years that every night I prayed to you that I would wake up and you would have corrected the problem?? I doubt you do, I had to fix the problem myself! Do you remember the Pain & the fights I had with my parents and the rejection I dealt with when they caught me dressed one day in a girlfriend of clothes? I have never seen so much shame in their eyes from them at that time. You never answered me when I asked for help when I cried myself to sleep most nights. Yet still, when you sent someone for me to help through their life, I never turned them down! So when I made the physical corrections I felt necessary, I never knew the amount of pain that would follow.
Its been well over a decade since the surgeries and such. The physical pain of them is still fresh in my mind. No matter where I go, people feel the need to point me out to everyone else and laugh at me. It’s funny to them! “Oh look at the man!” As they laugh! Like I’m some sort of side attraction… No, I am a female! Unfortunately, I see, feel and hear all the nasty thoughts and judgments that are whispered from one to another on a daily basis by everyone who finds me amusing. I guess that’s a downfall of being a psychic medium. They call me an “it” like I’m not even human. They reject me from restaurants, clubs, sports, and public outings when I am figured out. Every friend I have ever had has always told my secret to others, especially when I have asked them not to. You think telling people about the daily pain you go through would make them sympathetic to who I am and out of respect they would keep quiet? Absolutely not! In fact, that seems to be the gossip immediately! The anger and rage grow with each betrayal. I can squash these people like a bug if I wanted to! I could use my magick to make their life a living hell! But still, I chose to be the bigger person. I was brainwashed to believe that Karma would even the score, but I’ve never seen Karma work! The pain in my chest hurts and aches daily as if I was being pressed to death by stone.
I haven’t had a date in over 13 years. In fact, my last real girlfriend was back in 1999. I have sexual issues because of the surgery which makes sex very uncomfortable for me. I used to be such a free spirit. I was sexual, loving, compassionate, and loved to share energy with others! I have been stripped and chained from love and intimacy and even life. Did I do something to be punished? Why did every choice you gave me lead to nothing but restrictions and pain?? Oh, how I miss being touched, for someone to hug me and actually mean it. To spend the night with someone and be able to wake up next to them. It pisses me off that people are afraid to touch me, especially men! They act as if I have Aids or some horrible disease! I have never felt so alone as I do right now. I have become weak. Do I not deserve love? Do I not deserve to be treated like a human being? I gave people hope and love and they gave me back hatred…
I spend most of my nights alone talking to myself. Watching movies and joking with my cats. I have become the 80-year-old cat lady at the age of 35. As told in my other blog “Hello darkness my old friend”, I was unable to survive the betrayal from those two people. My life is hard enough just dealing with me as a psychic medium, a healer, and being transgendered. It was the bullet that sunk the ship. I drowned that day. I was SO ANGRY that I turned to my magick for payback! I used black magick to right my wrong, no matter what the consequences were! And for the most part, I didn’t care! People already treat me very badly and I had already had everything, except my house, stolen from these two people. So what consequences could happen to me?? I had already lost my business, my friends, romantic relationships, sex, my spiritual gifts, and my desire to help… so what else could happen?? The worse that could happen was death, and I’m so welcoming it right now.
I did some deep magick on those two people because I was tired of being fucked over and I had decided that I was no longer going to let anyone hurt me ever again! I used all my will and simian strength to punish those two that had taken everything from me. To be honest, it felt really good! It was a huge relief as well and I felt justified. I felt solace in the fact that they would suffer a lifetime of pain and suffering as I have and do. That they will have everything taken from them just as they did to me. Afterward, I started thinking about all the ex-friends and people I knew who betrayed me, outted me, laughed at me, and shunned me. My eyes watered, a lump in my throat grew and that feeling of great power came over me. I shut down that good side of me and I decided that I wanted to make all those who crushed my heart, live with and understand the pain that I have to live with and I did… When I was done, I began to battle with myself for several months. A struggle raged on of who I used to be and the darkness that grew stronger every day. It was a war inside my mind. I started to ask myself, had I gone mad? Had I truly lost it? I broke my vow as a Witch and as a healer. I gave into the ego, the pain, the darkness of the Dark Perakee! I was now filled with guilt and a sense of betrayal to myself and towards my guides. I cried so hard that night.
I no longer feel guilt or remorse for the things I have done or do. I have continued to do magick on those people to whom I feel really deserve it. In my eyes, it is now justice. I have become numb and emotionless. People’s problems are no longer a concern of mine. There seems to be nothing but greed & selfishness from people. What did I ever get out of helping people? It never paid my bills, it didn’t win me friends, respect, or honor. In fact, whenever I was done with healing or guiding people through their life, they went away! If the only way to get ahead in this world is to take it, then why shouldn’t I? Have I not paid my dues? Maybe it’s time for me to get mine and let the rest of the world drown as they did me. When my dad died a few months ago, not one of my friends (i only had 3) was there for me in any way. In fact, two of them didn’t even call me and I haven’t heard from them since. I shut all systems down after that. I started partying again in the hopes that if I overdose I will be relieved of this torture. I saw an old lady fall down the other day and I didn’t care. I didn’t run to help as I used to and in fact, I made an ignorant comment in my head. The rage keeps me in instant arguments or fights with anyone that tries to push me. I reject anyone trying to be nice to me or show me kindness. It actually hurts me when a person tries to be nice to me… and Deeply spiritual people, like who I used to be, make me sick now. I pity them and feel they are naive.
These days are very dark for me now, with suicide racing across my mind every day. I know now that there is no god out there, never believed in one anyways even when I was spiritual because she/he/it wouldn’t let so many of its people suffer. But I do know that no one will ever mess with me ever again or they will suffer my fate as well. There is nothing more dangerous than an extremely confident and talented Witch, fueled by anger and hate, that is of the Simian/ Perakee line. I guess now I realized what many of those High priestesses and priests in the pagan community were telling me about. I know I can never go back now. I had crossed that line and am in way too deep. Even if I could go back, what would be a life for me now? I could never do the things I used to do. I could never consider myself a healer or a person of light again.
There are many things I have excluded from this blog because I am ashamed…I no longer see or hear my guides… The Dark Perakee is a path that I hope no one ever finds themselves walking down. It is a path of destruction, pain, ego, selfishness, and hatred… It is really hell on earth. A hell that is tormented by your thoughts, pain, and suffering. I know that this might scare a lot of people about who I am or what I am about, and that’s fine with me, I’m used to it. The only thing that I really hope to get out of writing this blog is maybe to touch that one person, whether she/he be a simian/perakee or just a regular human being, and stop them from going down this road. YOU DON’T WANT TO GO HERE! Trust me, if I could rewind time, I would have made different choices. There is no real justice in using your power for anything but Love and Light. Go seek help and talk to someone, like I wish I would have. Whatever fate awaits me now is mine to own.
In Mission and Purpose,
©Copyright 2013 IAMevolution. All Rights Reserved.
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