The day I truly gave up on everyone….
Two years have gone by as if it where yesterday. I saw nothing by selfishness, anger and meanness from my fellow people. Every where I turned, it was nothing but hate it seemed. Haunting and draining me from every side I turned. What choice did I have? How could I see anything else? If those around me are without kindness, compassion and sensibility how could I ever reach a single soul?
I lost myself as the ground beneath my feet fell….
I tried so hard for so many years and what once seemed ripe and wholesome now rots and withers away. My heart is broken and an emptiness fills my body. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to grasp the air around me as if there was a rope or a life line that would save me from what I felt. Just then, it truly set in, I walked away from it, who I was, I was a Spirit Guide no more.
I have never felt this feeling before. It was disconnection from self in its truest form. There was a shroud of guilt. It lingered over my head like a nasty storm. Thoughts filled my head. What was to become of me? Where should I go? What am I to do? If I cannot do what I’m meant to do, then do I have purpose?
I would spend the next two years in sickness and chaos…
As I rejected the world and those around me, I grew sick, physically and spiritually. Nothing could go my way, nothing seemed deserved. For once I stood like a mountain in the wind and now I was carried around like a leaf in the wind. My heart grew weaker and weaker and I seemed to love less. I could not care for a single soul, I had nothing left to give.
I consumed myself back into sports, ignoring all the warning signs, my body was weak, fatigued and sick. The more things went awry the more I pushed my body. “This is all I have left in my life! You cannot take this from me!” I had already lost so much, what will I be if this is taken from me? I might not be a guide no more, but I’m still the athlete I know to be! I did not realize I was fighting a battle I could not win. I was fighting my health, my ego and myself. I was fighting the truth of who I am.
It all came to a head…
A month ago at a football tournament, my body was screaming not to play. I told my friends that somethings not right and this my be the end. I didn’t last more the a quarter in the game before my heart screamed out and said that’s enough. My heart rhythm went nuts and I could not breathe, I true felt that this was the end for me. I was rushed to the hospital and they couldn’t find anything was wrong, but I knew what it was. I had been killing myself with the anger and rejection that was once filled with love and understanding.
I held onto pain and anger for so long my heart was giving up. My blood started to thicken over the year with minor clots being formed. And although I did eat healthy, I could never rest at night. My mind would race throughout the night. The emptiness of my heart would haunt my thoughts I knew it was just a matter of time.
In the midsts of all the darkness…
I realized that I was killing myself and I had to come back. I could no longer ignore the pain I felt I had to let go, move on and regain. But would I be the same? Would I know the truth? What would become of me, walking in new skin?
I put myself on on Chinese herbal formulas that helped save my life. I went back to what I knew best, self-love, self-care and healing. I reopened my channels and connected back to my soul. A scream came out that rattled the house. My tears flowed uncontrollably for weeks without end. It was the release I needed, that my body had been looking for. The ghosts of my past, the physical trauma I endured, let themselves be known that there was still so much undone.
I realized that I would never be the same…
and why wouldn’t I want to, to grow is move beyond what you once were. I saw a purpose of what I was to be, the light inside grew radiant, my body sparkled like the sky. I felt a sense of self again, a purpose was born.
There is still a lot of healing to go. My physical and emotional bodies need much repair. The love I have for myself and the light within grows bright with a knowing that one day soon I will fly again. I will take my time to heal and grow because I am worth it. I will take the time to heal the childhood trauma that will help me be more patient with the world around me. I will love myself to walk away from the ego that I got caught up in during this time of despair. No matter if I’m a spirit guide, an athlete, a teacher, or a friend, the only thing that matters is the choices I choose at hand. And that’s why I will rise from the ashes and be who I truly am, The Spirit Guide once more!
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