The Reality of our world
As I notice a strange shift within myself, I feel everything as of late….
My emotions seem raw and on edge, and for some reason, I cannot put my finger on why. Countless hours of staying up at night, trying to figure out where all of this is coming from. The feeling of disconnect, distance and isolation have been in my heart for many weeks now. Tonight, as I stay awake in my room with only a small light on, I ponder my feelings and emotions.
Though they are not real, the experience and control of them over us can be quite true to us….
Emotions are a funny idea, if you come to think about it. Humans live by emotions. We can do great feats with emotions and they can make us crumble and self sabotage our goals. Over the past few weeks, I find myself being observant of some feelings of distance within myself as of late. I have identified an issue that has been a sidekick of mine for most of my life, trying to connect to this world and its people and always unable to do so.
Does the idea put by another create a reality??
I remember long ago Loryie telling me about who I was as a spirit guide. She often flashed in feelings, emotions and stories that would share knowledge of the experiences that I would one-day face. Although positive and negative truly don’t exist in our realities, I grew up having to face my fear of walking along the human race sharing their experiences but never truly belonging to them. It was hard for me during my youth to understand why I would never belong. After all, I am in a human body! I bleed, I cry, I have emotions, as well as all of the other experience everyone else does within this world! So how can I possibly never be apart of one if I am one?
Go the distance for a Lifetime….
It is true that many people in this world feel distant or a sense of not belonging, especially those that don’t adopt the same values or ideas as the rest of the world does. Still, on some level, they have found a connection to those around them. A solo journey, for many, can be down right unbearable. To have full self-reliance in all aspects of your life can be a bit overwhelming. Which is why so many of us take comfort into clinging on the idea of dependency on others. However, it is through true independence that becomes the foundation for any form of strength.
A Leader will never be apart of its unit…
I think sometimes it’s ironic that a spirit guide that has come to lead and teach people how to become more aware of themselves and their emotions in connecting better to themselves finds herself on the outside looking in. Now no one can say that I don’t try with people. In fact I force myself to find a connection with people almost daily! Even tonight during our softball games I tried to connect to my teammates. While everyone laughs with one another and bonds as teammates, it’s always that funny sense of awkwardness in my failed attempts to do so that seems to shine right through. lol. When I finally do connect with others it is always for the same reason, they become aware what I do for people and immediately seek help from me. Thus teacher & student relationship is formed once again and I lose out on being apart of that personal connection. I’ve always said that even when I’m off duty and trying to have fun, my business door, it is always open!
Perception Guides our Emotions…
Feelings, as well as emotions, are a sense of perception guided by ones own reality and thought process. As such, I often take into consideration my efforts in the many ways that I often try to bond with those around me. But honestly, I don’t enjoy all the small talk and perception of trivial nonsense that many choose act out in their daily lives. To me, I need depth to those I connect with. I need feeling behind a thought process and those whom want to understand a deeper awareness of self. I do, however, wonder if there is some deep subconscious false perception of thought running around screaming at me, programming me, to hold true to my feelings of all my experiences with people.
It is a basic need to connect with others, to be nurtured, loved and accepted…
Most of the time throughout my life, I acquired the comfortable lifestyle of riding solo, of doing my own thing and enjoying it. With the recent events of the past few weeks I am now starting to question if anything has changed within me. Am I no longer accepting my past and current experiences within my own life? Maybe, watching the world through a glass window just doesn’t satisfy my needs anymore? Maybe it would be nice to share experiences, other than being sexual, with people? Even though I’m not here to have the experiences that most people are here to have, a marriage, kids, family, a close or best friend, does there have to be such separation? Why can I not have even one of those enjoyments??
Those I do call family…
My best friends are the guides with whom I work with, Loryie, Mak Ruanna, Sylvianna, and Luthianna. They are my Core Four and we have shared almost 40 years together during this lifetime! My connection with them runs very deep and is an unbreakable pact. They have helped me grow into the guide I am today. The family that I grew up with in Chicago was great. My mom would probably be the closest thing to a connection that I could feel. She’s an absolute great person and a true treasure. My dad as well, but I think it often upset them when I would mention many times how I have always felt that I wasn’t apart of that family. I would see my dad, mom and sister all seem to be in this unit and no matter how hard I tried, I was never one of them. I always felt as if I wasn’t apart of their spiritual circle. Of course it was nothing that they did, it was just feeling who I was before understanding who I am.
As the time goes by so do we…
I have always thoroughly enjoyed watching those around me grow. Watching them achieve new spiritual depths and watching them find new and exciting relationships or take their current relationships into a bond of unity. I can honestly say I’m truly happy for them! But what happens to the guide that rides solo when time keeps moving life forward? When everyone builds new families, new relationships and moves on? When she’s too old enjoy her active lifestyle? Does the guide that had fought so hard for the betterment of humanity walk off into the sunset to be a distant memory of those that once knew her? Though I don’t ever need a pat on the back, I wonder if one day I might look back and wonder how nice it would have been to find even one small soul level connection.
The value of Self-worth…
Attachment is a slippery slope that can consume us. We build our attachments in place of self-value and self-worth. Attachments make us feel value and special. They even make us feel like we are apart of something bigger. Attachments can take many forms throughout our lives, and if we’re not careful, they can control our ideas and emotions allowing us to be consumed by the external validation. The placement of value and self-worth should always overrides any form external validation due to attachment.
I’m not sure what this is yet. This feeling may just come to pass like most experiences I feel. Maybe it’s to train me for my next phase of my work in helping teenagers and children that are of the crystal and rainbow line. Or maybe I’m starting to grow too fond the people here and I’m craving to connect with them other than just be their guide…
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